The Long Kindness: When Politeness Clouds the Message and How to Reach Effective Communication

To Begin With...

In a world brimming with pings, posts, and polite pleasantries, one of the biggest causes of everyday inefficiency still lies in the most human of things: miscommunication.

We think we are being clear. We think we are being kind. But between what is expected and what is understood, there is often a frustrating silence where execution should be.

The fear of not being polite enough can lead either to "writer's block" or to overexplaining something that should be simple.

We Hear the Hello, Forget the Middle, Remember the Goodbye

Cognitive studies in communication consistently show that people are most likely to retain the beginning and the end of a message. This is known as the serial position effect—what comes in the middle often fades into the background, especially when the conversation is long-winded or cluttered with flourishes.

If your main message is buried in paragraph three of a politely written email, there is a high chance it simply won’t land.

This isn't a case for rudeness. It is a case for clarity.

The Curse of Nice Noise

Politeness is essential. But when it starts to crowd the actual message—when we spend five lines easing in, three to hedge the ask, and another few to apologise for asking—it can exhaust the attention of the receiver. The result? Missed deadlines, half-formed decisions, or emails that get read twice and still leave people unsure.

Worse still, this overly ornate communication style can be misread. A softly worded request might be interpreted as optional. A question buried in kindness might not register as urgent.

When our intention is hidden behind too many layers of courtesy, it’s not only inefficient—it becomes unfair to both parties.

Kindness Is Not the Opposite of Directness

Here is the real pivot: clear communication is not rude. In fact, it is one of the kindest things we can offer each other.

Because when you are clear, you reduce anxiety. You minimise the need for second-guessing. You respect someone’s time and cognitive load.

The challenge—and the opportunity—is to build the skill of being warm and direct, respectful, and concise, collaborative, and focused. It’s a dual responsibility:

• For the sender, to state their needs with courage and clarity.

• For the receiver, to listen with curiosity and seek understanding before reacting.

Communication isn’t a performance. It is a practice. One that thrives not in perfection, but in mutual willingness to improve.

Facilitation Thinking: Aligning Expectations to Understanding

Facilitators are trained to notice this gap. Not by calling it out loudly, but by gently bringing conversations back to centre. One of the key practices in facilitation is not assuming everyone is on the same page—even if they are nodding along.

Instead, facilitators ask clarifying questions. They summarise and mirror. They check in.

“It sounds like we are agreeing on A, B, and C. Is that correct?”

“Just to double-check: who’s doing what by when?”

These simple techniques help translate vague enthusiasm into shared accountability. And you don’t have to be holding a whiteboard marker to use them. They work just as well in emails, project briefs, and team huddles.

Reframing the Closing Line

If people are most likely to remember how you begin and how you end, then let’s make those moments count. Open with presence. Close with purpose. Be human, yes—but let your message breathe.

So, the next time you feel the pull to over-apologise for a request or sugarcoat your feedback, pause, and ask yourself:

Am I being kind, or just trying not to be uncomfortable?

Because the true art of communication is not in sounding good. It’s in being understood—without losing the grace that makes us worth listening to in the first place.